We are taught that being selfish is wrong, sinful, to be avoided at all costs. As children most of us are taught to share everything, even to the point of giving away our fair share to help others. In some ways, that is a kind thought. Yet it is unrealistic and can be damaging to us when we are too kind to others and forget to nurture ourselves. So what could possibly be creative about being selfish? Hmmm….

Consider all of the situations where you must take care of your own health and needs first to be strong enough to help others. That is when you create, or re-create yourself for the good of all.

Think about what the flight attendant explains during the pre-flight instructions. If there is an emergency and the oxygen masks drop down, the able adults are to put on their masks first so that they are prepared to help children and others who cannot help themselves. Pure logic. Is that a hurtful type of being selfish? No. It is making sure that someone is capable of taking care of those who need the help, because that someone has enough oxygen to do what is needed.

Think about a car battery. It relies completely upon the fuel (nourishment) provided by the running engine to charge it. The needs for that charge are extremely important. If the battery does not keep a full charge, the car will not start again, once turned off. That primary need for power-in before power-out must be a priority. Is that selfish? Or is it practical?

We as humans operate through the energy gained by taking care of our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Some people are truly greedy (real selfishness) and take all they can at the cost of others. Many give and give of themselves and the things that nurture them until they are worn out and emotionally or physically exhausted to the point where it becomes nearly impossible to keep on giving. Shouldn’t there be something between these two extremes that serves everyone better? I firmly believe there is.

Take time to renew and re-create yourself first. Be sure you have enough to eat so that you have the energy to feed others. Take care of your health by taking time to rest and renew before you wear yourself to a frazzle and can no longer offer help to others. Sleep, take in nutrition, rest, and take time to create your inner peace and strength on a regular basis.

One of the first big stumbling blocks that people who are givers and care for others are encouraged to learn is how to use the word “no” and mean it. That was a challenging concept for me in younger years. If you were thoughtful enough and trusted me enough to ask me to do something, I immediately said “yes” without regard to whether I wanted to do what was asked, or even had the ability to complete the task. Of course, I would help! The problem was that I often said yes to things that I either could not actually do, or that I hated doing. That sometimes wound up with me not living up to my word, or doing a poor job, and often finding ways to avoid the person that had asked me to complete the task. I would crash and burn. I would be miserable with my failures. Either the task did not get completed at all (like making phone calls for a meeting which I truly dislike), or someone else had to step in at the last minute to rescue the situation. It cost me my self-esteem, and caused chaos for others. Being too weak to say no upfront was being unkind to everyone. It often resulted in resentment on both sides, and a lack of trust towards me.

Once I learned what I can and cannot, or will not do, the magical word “no” began to save great discomfort for everyone. I found it much easier to disappoint someone right away with kindly saying no than to suffer through something I hated or disappointing others with my poor performance. No at the beginning, often with a quick explanation of why I decline, is done and over with quickly and pretty painlessly. Letting someone think that everything is being taken care of and disappointing them and myself by not doing what was asked is much more painful and humiliating. The power of “NO” is freeing and honest when used wisely.

Now, I tell others that I am willing to spend my time and energy, but not waste it. I give freely of my time and resources when it is a good fit for everyone. Yet taking the time to renew my own batteries is time well spent. So, when I do agree to do something, my word is good and I will be there to do what is needed. That includes family obligations as well. I will do whatever is necessary, but in a way and in a timeline that keeps me going and avoids serious burn-out.

Another component is the real need to renew yourself on a regular basis. I, like others, once thought that regular meditation was enough to get me by. Well, it isn’t. It is a huge help, but not enough. We need plain old relaxation and personal time to nurture our hearts and minds. Re-creation, or recreation, of some sort is essential. Whether it be reading a book, sleeping, playing with technology, visiting with a friend, or just sitting around enjoying life, we must take time for ourselves to literally refill that battery within that keeps us going. You might even take a real vacation just for the fun of it.

Take a few hours, or days off now and then. Say no to things you don’t want to do, or don’t have the ability or time to successfully complete. Say yes to things than nurture you as long as you notice when to stop and renew. Monitor yourself on all levels of being to notice when your efficiency and joy are waning. Be vulnerable and honest enough with yourself and others to stop and renew.

We are meant to find a balance between work and play, giving and receiving, and self-nurturing. That is creating a more capable and helpful “YOU.” It is what I mean when I refer to CREATIVE SELFISHNESS. I challenge you to take care of yourself first so you can be there for others as well.